Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Reaching Out

What is a father to do when P.A.M.M. (Passive Aggressive Manipulating Mother) cuts off telephone access with my five year old daughter? I can not go as far to say total access but definitely limited access with a purpose.

One of the toughest decisions I have had to to make was moving away from my daughter. You might say; "How could you?" Let me say it was imperative. My relationship with P.A.M.M. has been contentious at the very least with Paige caught in the middle. If I am to have any kind of the father-daughter relationship I want with Paige, moving was my only choice. I fly out to Florida every five to six weeks to spend my court ordered time with Paige. This is also problematic for me but a story for another time.

For the past three years I have been struggling to be with P.A.M.M. for more telephone access to Paige. Since my daughter is only as accessible as P.A.M.M. wants her to be, I am in a never ending free fall of frustration. Since my return from Florida on November 17th P.A.M.M. has become increasingly more difficult. I make attempts to speak to my daughter at least once per day. This is a routine I had established with her since she became talkative via cell or land line. At first I had little problem accomplishing daily phone contact because Paige was at private day-care and I could talk to her after pre-school. I would ask her about her day, what she was doing in school, games she played with her friends, etc. I was laying the ground work for the future. I am a father who cares about what is going on in her life. As she grows up, this little but significant effort on my part will pay huge guidance and emotional dividends in the future. I have always believed that whether I am in town or out of town, makes not a bit of difference. As a father the daily interest in her life is of the utmost importance. I have now been back in Arizona for 13 days. I have made 14 attempts to speak to Paige. In those trys not once has there been an answer. Instead I must leave a voicemail message (10) asking P.A.M.M. to "please have Paige call me back." If her mail box is full and I will send a text (4) her asking the same. Out of my 14 attempts 7 have gone without a response of any kind which means I have spoken to my daughter only 7 times for approximately 20 minutes in all. If that was not bad enough, P.A.M.M. waits until Paige is either very tired or distracted with some other event going around her to call me which makes talking to Daddy not very fun. This of course is the power of a manipulator.

P.A.M.M. seeks to undermine any attempt by me to have the kind of relationship I want with my daughter. I am at the mercy of a manipulator who cares for no one but herself, so I decided to seek the help of the church. Not just any church but the church P.A.M.M. is heavily involved with. You see...it is much easier to appear benevolent than it is to be benevolent. Going to bible study, singing in the choir, helping out in the kitchen or the front office are all ways to bring attention to yourself. No "bad guy " profile here. Look what a great person I am while at the same time using our daughter as a shield to hide behind while she uses her powers for evil. The perfect cover. Remember...the greatest power P.A.M.M. has is in her ability convincing others to buy into and accept her ruse. I think its safe to say I am seen in "a bad light" among her church congregation but it is the Reverend who P.A.M.M. would confide in. She would have the most to gain with him as her ally. She would most likely tell him how terrible I am, passing any blame to me why our relationship had failed, and how she is a poor struggling single mother who is the victim. Well...there are two side to every story, so I decided to "reach out" to her Reverend for help. I contacted him via email and told him of my difficulty with telephone contact with Paige. He responded and said he has only heard and seen "our strained relationship" through her point of view, therefore he tries not to judge either of us. He went on to say he would be willing to meet with me to hear my perspective and in the mean time speak with P.A.M.M. about "my concerns." I replied thanking him and told him I would like to come speak with him next time I am in town.

I wish outside help was not necessary but I am at a huge disadvantage. P.A.M.M. controls my contact with Paige right now. Since my daughter is not old enough to understand what is happening I have requested the help of others. My only hope right now is that other people can get through to her. Until then I will be in a constant struggle to achieve a father-daughter relationship.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Two Types of Anger

I have PAM as an ex-spouse. That is not her real name but instead an acronym. P.A.M. ( Passive Aggressive Manipulator) is my black hat. We have a daughter who I love and adore very much and is the only reason I have not broken ties with P.A.M. completely.

Anger is a powerful motivator for revenge. It comes in many different forms but I am only going to discuss two of the non-violent ones. The Aggressive and the Hidden. Allow me to explain;

Aggressive Anger is immediate. You know someone is angry because they express their anger by a threat or by a shout, scream, and in some cases destroying something. I believe this is the easiest type of anger to deal with. At the time it is hurtful and unforgiving but these are, in most cases, temporary emotions. After the storm passes one can talk about the incident with some clarity. This becomes a means to solve a problem, grow from it and move on. It is like being stopped for a traffic violation and given a ticket for something, you at the time felt, did not do. You might become angry, maybe raise your voice or pound your fist on the steering wheel. Then after a while you calm down and think about it. If you were wrong you would accept it, pay the ticket and move on. If you were right you might go to court and when the judge dismissed the case you would feel vindicated and move on. The bottom line is people see your anger. They know that there is a problem to be dealt with.

Hidden Anger is an entirely different type of beast. It is the worst, most difficult anger to deal with. Hidden Anger comes in a disguised form and may take time to do its damage. When combined with the passive-aggressive it becomes the most trying, frustrating experience for the one who is on the receiving side. A passive-aggressive uses Hidden Anger covertly to "get back" at you. This may take the form of not doing some required or helpful action.

Now add the Manipulator. What you get is P.A.M. The passive-aggressive who uses Hidden Anger to serve a purpose. P.A.M. possesses keen skills with manipulation at the top of her list. She is not one you want to cross unknowingly. She has great alibis and displays a happy, charming disposition. This gives her the freedom of a queen on a chess board. If you cross her she will arrive by stealth to get back at you. When some type of behavior or incident comes into question she might use her skills to distract you and others from what is truly going on. People may give her the benefit of the doubt. It is not until P.A.M. slips up and forgets to cover her tracks that she is discovered. However, in my case this has not stopped P.A.M. from continuing with her agenda. At all costs, she covers up the truth and drives a wedge between me and my daughter. The ultimate revenge. I will never stop fighting for Paige and her need and my right to be her father.

It is my hope that you will read my thoughts and in the future read my past and present experiences with a woman named P.A.M.